Sunday, May 5, 2013

Can't I Do ANYTHING "Right" Today?

I'm going to share something super personal with all of you tonight...

First, let me say I'm not sharing this to "get it off my chest", although writing is an outlet for me... I'm sharing to help reduce the "stigma" attached to the PTSD label... If more people suffering from it didn't feel like they'd be ostracized or outcast, they'd get the help they need...


I haven't written much about it before, but my husband might possibly suffer from PTSD related to his 2nd deployment to Iraq (he's been on 4 total). I say "might" because he isn't officially diagnosed but MANY friends, family & coworkers have noticed the symptoms he's been showing. I can't go into detail on what I believe caused it, of course, but he always says he is going to talk to someone about it.

He has his good days & his bad days like any other soldier with PTSD. I'd like to say more often than not, he has good days, but lately it's been a lot of bad days. The time of year is always a factor. Holidays are never good. His birthday is coming up & that's a trigger also. Add in the stress of moving overseas SOON (movers come to pack our house in 2 VERY short weeks) and he's a mess right now.

I'm not sure I believe him when he says he wants to go talk to someone & figure all this out - to work through it. I WANT to believe him, but it's been 7 years since that 2nd deployment... 6 since we met/started dating & over 5 since we got married. It's also been over 2 years since he returned from his last deployment and still he hasn't gone...

I know he's putting pressure on himself to provide for our "big" family now that there are 4 children to feed & clothe... he continues to say how he "needs" to stay in the Army because that's all he knows how to do... I try to reassure him that I can "easily" go back to work full time in Finance and he could stay home, but do I even believe that?

The economy is horrible so finding a job is probably NOT "easy" by any stretch of my vivid imagination... And do I really think he can handle the 3 little ones all day while I'd be at work when he gets frustrated just dealing with them when I run to the grocery store or a doctor appointment?

As I said before, he has good days & bad days... This weekend was bad... Today in particular - VERY bad...

He kept criticizing everything I did... from making sausage links for breakfast (instead of patties) to the proper seasoning in the enchilada sauce for dinner... even his FAVORITE dessert (that I made in a sad attempt to improve his mood) he critiqued saying "it wasn't quite right"...

At one point I had to leave the room & hide in the bathroom because I felt tears building up... I felt like I was a huge disappointment... I felt like I was screwing up our day / weekend by not doing things "right"... I washed my face, came back out of the bathroom & came face to face with him...

He must have seen the remnants of tears in my more-than-likely bloodshot eyes... or perhaps the look on my face told him... no matter how he "figured it out", what matter is that he DID figure it out! He then apologized to me... telling me he didn't know what was "wrong"...

I was too emotional to try to talk to him (again) about making an appointment to talk to someone about his "stuff"... that's a battle for another day...

Later Taters!

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