Thursday, February 20, 2014

My Wish

I wish I could go back to being naive about pregnancy.  To announce it to the world 2 seconds after getting a positive home test. But I can't.

Having gone through 11 miscarriages now (yes 11 you read that right), I have been robbed of the joy of pregnancy.  It's replaced by fear and worry and stress.  I pray for a heartbeat,  then pray I start the meds I need to STAY pregnant at the right time. Then there are the worries of healthy baby and chromosome testing.  Then there is the real risk of preterm labor and bleeding excessively during labor.  I don't get to enjoy pregnancy at all anymore.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy to have my babies.  They are my whole world.  It just seems that I hold my breath for 9 months wondering,  waiting,  worrying and praying. I wish I could just forget what it's like to say goodbye to a baby that was so loved and wanted from before it was conceived.

I want the luxury of complaining about pregnancy symptoms instead of freaking out the moment they seem to ease up.

I know I'm not the only one to feel this way.  There are many of us.  Some are more outspoken than others.  That's why I'm writing this. To speak for those who aren't ready yet to say these words.

I wish I could be naive about pregnancy again. Even if only for a moment to truly enjoy it.